Is letting relationships slip away. As a Death Doula, this is one I hear over and over again. I want to bring light to the topic because, if you’re reading this, you still have time to determine the course of your life and relationships. I want to dive deeper and shine some light onto how much relationships mean to us.

In Dr. Gary Lewandowski's TED Talk, "Break-Ups Don't Have to Leave You Broken,” he says;

And make no mistake, relationships are the single most important thing to you in your life. It’s the source of all your best memories, it’s the source of all your worst memories. When you think back about your life, when you’re 95-100 years old, and you look back over the course of your lifetime, you’re not going to think, ‘I wish I owned a better phone,’ ‘I wish I spent more time on the internet,’ ‘I wish I spent more time at work or sleeping,’ it’s not going to be any of those kinds of things. It’s going to be, ‘I wish I spent more time with the people I love.’

Estrangement is another type of breakup that is more common in our culture than people speak about. Growing up, my father was estranged from his brother, they had a disagreement and no longer communicated with each other after that and the repercussions was that I never got to know who my uncle was. I never had the opportunity for myself to know what kind of a man he was. Later in life, I too, became estranged from my father because I was walking away from childhood abuse, but it wasn’t liberating as I thought it would be. I didn’t feel empowered, it wasn’t the “fuck you, I can leave too,” I thought it would be.

Catherine Saint Louis, a reporter, often interviews people on the topic of estrangement in an attempt to create dialog and to break the stigma around it. She interviewed sixty people who were estranged from their parents and not a single one of them felt freer after doing so. Estrangement is a loss, you grieve. There is no joy in it. I hate to should anyone but I feel it’s something that is done out of necessity. Not a fight over what to do with your late mother’s house, but because you experienced childhood abuse and can no longer keep unhealthy people in your life.

I never thought of my father as a monster for what he did, I saw him as passing down generational trauma. He was operating at his level of consciousness at the time and was doing to me what had been done to him. But walking away meant I wasn’t there for my mother’s death, who died of Alzheimer’s, and I wasn’t there for my father’s death. I had to make my reconciliation with him after he passed, in my own way. And it’s been a difficult journey and burden to carry at times, as grief often is when it cycles around. Not being there for my mother while she struggled through Alzheimer’s, Parkinsons and ultimately cancer, led me to my work in hospice. I couldn’t be there for her, as my father was her caretaker, and so I’m there for others now in their time of need. Mine is truly an example of how grief and loss of relationships shape your life.

To quote Dr. Gary Lewandowski again, “make no mistake, relationships are the single most important thing to you in your life.” We know this through countless studies that have been done. Since the beginning of time, we know the lone wolf dies while the pack survives. People who are engaged with their community live longer. People who have healthy, close relationships with those they love and trust, are happier.

The longest-running longitudinal study in the world is known as the Harvard Grant Study. It followed 268 Harvard undergraduates throughout their lives. George Vaillant was the chief investigator of this study and at the end of it all, he said, “The 75 years and 20 million dollars expended on the Grant Study points… to a straightforward five-word conclusion: ‘Happiness is love. Full stop.” For many people, as writer John Coleman says in his book, HBR Guide to Crafting Your Purpose, “Finding positive relationships and prioritizing them can be life’s greatest source of meaning.”

If you find yourself with a relationship you feel is broken but still has meaning for you in your life, there are ways to begin to mend it. If we truly can’t stand them, we may sit in quiet contemplation, visualizing them and good things coming to them. Over time, your heart will soften towards them and empathy will reclaim the hardened space you have left them in. Maybe after that you can reach out. I always take 100% full responsibility for what happens in my life. When I apologize, I apologize for my part and what I did to cause a rift in a relationship. I believe that is the only way to truly take control over your life, to own your destiny.

I hope this has helped you to contemplate the relationships that have slipped away in your life and helped you to feel empowered to take responsibility for them. Nurture your relationships, they are a gift. Express gratitude for those who are close to you.

Love & light,

Elena

As we begin this blogging journey, let’s keep the end in mind. What is our purpose? How can we live life to the absolute fullest having learned from those who completed their journey?

A letter of recommendation

Why We Need Death Doulas